I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
