Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
