im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
