Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
