I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
