Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
