Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
