I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Even my vagina gasped.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
