Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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