so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
