It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
