Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
