Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
