It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
