census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
