Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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