Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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