so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
