Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize