he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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