I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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