I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
