theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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