My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
