He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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