I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
