Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
