Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
