Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
