As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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