So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
