I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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