i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
