Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
