I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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