i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
