College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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