Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
