I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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