this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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