My liver just broke up with me...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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