I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
