Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
