I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
