The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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