I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
