Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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