Say something about gay babies.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
