remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize