He uses pillows to masturbate.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
