When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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