Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We don't watch enough power rangers
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize