Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
